preybeforemeals | IC Contact/Voicemail

...It's lent more clarity than you think it has.

[He settles back a bit at that, though, offering a vague gesture as he does so.]

We should keep going. I'm fine, amore; I'll tell you if I'm not.

I'm very glad to hear it.

[Quietly, she reaches for the card at the bottom of the line and turns it over.]

The Judgement. That's...about as straightforward as a card might be, I suppose. Judgement is, of course, about the making of a decision; it's related to some of the other cards in your spread as well, actually; to Justice, and to the Fool. They're all cards of decisions, of sorts, but also all a bit different in their ways.

But Judgement, as a card, is also about awakening and absolution as well as merely a decision. It suggests that all these other things together really will come together into the choice you'll make. For the advice it gives, I think it's likeliest trying to say that you mustn't focus too heavily on any one of these competing concerns, tempting though it might be to favor one to the exclusion of the rest; rather, look at all of them, and when you do, you'll be able to decide what's truly best.

So: think carefully on the considerations, give them all their due weight...but in the end, judge. I think...I think it means to say, have confidence that your decision will be the right one. I have faith it will be, myself.

You have more faith in me than everyone I know back home, then.

[He sounds amused, however.]

I think I understand what you're saying, however - it's something I'll bear in mind, anyway.

Well, perhaps everyone you know there is wrong.

[And wouldn't you know it, she says it so innocently you might not even realize at first just how cheeky it is.]

Things to be mindful of when taking that advice, then...first is the Seven of Cups. This is a card of wishes and temptations; you mustn't be led astray by wishful thinking or illusions of what might be, no matter how those illusions may try to prey on you while you reason things out. Be sensible and honest with yourself, and realistic about the things you're considering.

[Moving right along, she turns over the penultimate card.]

...Which...I think may prove to be difficult...with the Knight of Cups in this position, speaking of your hopes and your fears —

[And for a moment, then, she just kind of stalls out.]

You did say, when you were distraught recently...it was because someone had hurt you rather badly, wasn't it...?

[Oh, there's a good girl.

That said, he tips his head a bit at the Seven - that's utterly straightforward, isn't it - but his attention is drawn more toward Meridiana than the Knight, there. What on earth...]

They did, yes. Are you all right...?

...I...suppose I'm afraid that person might make trouble for you, is all. The court cards, knights and pages and such, they often represent people; between him and the Seven, I'm...worried. If the Knight were to mean that person, in this place that represents your hopes and fears about making the decision, it may be that your judgment will risk being clouded over by your previous sadness over that person. It may even be that they come back to hurt you again, or keep you from making the right decision somehow; the Knight of Cups is an emotional card, ruled by the heart rather than the head, and that may put you out of balance.

[She narrows her eyes at the card.]

And I'd not like to see anyone hurt you again. Not at all.

[He hesitates for a moment at that, one of his hands settling lightly on his chest, fingertips toying with the fabric of his shirt; that...he can't really explain the reaction he's having to that, just that it sort of stings and he isn't sure what to do to make it knock it off, and his gaze darts a bit before he responds.]

...I'll tell you about it after you're done with the reading, should you not mind hearing it.

[She nods slightly, glancing down at the bedspread and, eventually, drifting to the final unturned card.]

There's only one more to go, and...it's not just that I'd not mind it. I'd like to hear it, if you please, I'd...I'd like to know.

[Following a pause, she slowly reaches for the card, not even realizing that she's holding her breath in the hopes of a good one.

And she turns it over to show the King of Pentacles.]

Oh, thank goodness. I think it's a very good sign, to think that we started off with the Emperor and now have the outcome as the King of Pentacles; he's a card of success and prosperity, you see, and...as I said, the court cards often represent people. I think...the King, here, is meant to be you, having run the full course from where you started — the Emperor burdened by his Justice, and the Judgement resolving to the King of Pentacles.

I think you're going to meet your goal, Mr. Tsukiyama, and make the right decision. And I think things will be all the better for it, in the end.

[...That is actually surprisingly optimistic, given that everything before it was a clusterfuck. Admittedly it seems that that's just going to be a running theme with him, "EVERYTHING IS A MESS oh look that's a lot less of a mess c:" but you know what, he's going to take it.]

Ah, tres bien - it's actually a massive relief to hear that, you have no idea...thank you, by the way. For doing this.

...I'm sorry there isn't more I can do, you know. I know it's none of my business, and it's kind of you to keep it all away from me as best you can. So...I'm glad to have been of some help.

[As she collects her cards and returns them to the pack, she catches herself thinking fleetingly of conversations she'd had weeks back — about those who seek to protect and those who need it, and about the benefits of being complementary rather than identical.

There's something to all that, even if she can't quite land on what it is right away; even so, it's something that leaves her feeling a little more content. Some things one can't do, but one does what can.]

I'm not keeping you from your rest, am I?

Not at all, actually, you can stay as long as you like - ah, and don't apologize. It's another of those situations where you're doing far more for me than you realize.

[He pauses for a moment, though.]

You're certain you don't mind discussing it?

...Yes. I'm certain of that.

[She puts her cards away, then sort of settles herself back into a comfortable seated position on the mattress, now at last relieved of the necessity of being where she could turn and read the tarot spread.]

That...isn't to say I won't end up troubled by it. From what little I do know, I'm sure it's a troubling situation to speak of. But even if I'm upset, that doesn't mean I'm not also glad to have listened — and I think I'll prove more glad of it than I am upset, in the end.

...All right. In that case, I think we ought to start with the fact that I used to be a terrible person.

[There's no hesitation when he says it; if anything, his voice has gone a bit strange, far less flamboyant and more straightforward than the usual. Relaying fact, nothing more.]

I was the sort of terrible that you wouldn't want to associate with, Miss Everett - the sort that harmed people for pleasure. Because I could, because I...wanted to, because I had all sorts of reasons that you would find utterly reprehensible just the same. I'm different now, of course, but the fact is that I've done a lot of unforgivable things to many people.

I think I told you once about the kindest person I've ever met - he's the one who made me reconsider what I was doing, and inspired me to try to be a better person. He's someone I had harmed in the past, despite the fact that he had been nothing but kind to me; I...kept dwelling on that, I suppose, the fact that he'd been so good to me, and eventually I asked him for a second chance. He gave it to me, and I've been very devoted to him ever since. Banjou-san is in a similar position - something he did caused that person unspeakable harm, though it was accidental in his case.

We've been dedicated to protecting him with our lives ever since.

[He pauses for a moment. Plays with the fabric of his shirt a bit again.]

That person was brought here very recently, but he was brought from a point in time where he doesn't remember very much. He remembers when I was still a terrible person who wanted very badly to harm him for no good reason, and he barely remembers Banjou-san at all but he knows that he's from a group of people he has reason to hate. He doesn't trust either of us - as well he shouldn't, with memories like that - and it's been...difficult dealing with that, given that this is someone we've given our lives to.

[...on the one hand, that explanation is so exceedingly sanitized that you could call it a hospital and open it for business and parts of it are flat-out lies; on the other, the lies make up an impressively small portion of it and mostly exist just to cover the fact that he really doesn't want to get into "I nearly ate this person twice, the second time involved also trying to eat two separate and unrelated third parties, and I'm pretty sure we all completely desecrated a church" with his present company, and getting her involved by explaining anything about Aogiri Tree is a terrible idea.]

[She's glad, the longer the explanation goes on, that she'd given the caveat she had about becoming upset, because she does (given the subject matter, of course she does) and more importantly she does in a way that she knows she couldn't have suppressed no matter how hard she'd tried to hide it. She can tell from the way her throat grows tight and her fingers go cold that she's likely turned pale; it's undeniably hard to hear words like I used to harm people for pleasure without thinking of the tall, ash-blond doctor whose hatred she'd tasted in the moments before she'd died.

It makes her remember other things, too — his odd moments of reservation where she might've anticipated empathy, that day in the woods when he'd said so calmly, Sometimes you need to decide that your life is more important than someone else's.

She realizes, a few moments after the fact, that her fingers are pressed to her mouth, either in astonishment or in some emotion she can't place.

But what saves it, perhaps, is that he keeps talking, and gradually the things he's saying grow to sound much more like the Mr. Tsukiyama she knows — the sort of person who might look at his faults and seek to be better, to recognize a need for forgiveness and ask for it.

And, as it turns out, it's very hard to judge someone for confessing to reprehensible things when thoughts of that doctor have also brought back memories of her own, accusations of you self-serving narcissist and don't you have any self-consciousness about the fact that you're a monster escaped from your grave?

That young man named Percy had died right in front of her, and they'd taken the pieces of Emmeline and —

And in a way, horror or not, she almost has to envy him that calm, matter-of-fact tone in admitting to his sins, because she's certain she couldn't have if their roles were reversed.]

I-I see. You...w-want very much to help, and...to live up to your promise. But you can't, when he's forgotten the forgiveness you...remember him giving.

[Sometimes it pays to be an unreliable as hell narrator; now is one of those times. It's fortunate that the incident in the forest is overshadowed a bit by everything else he's shown her since then; more fortunate still that he's good at showing people what they want to see.

It's a familiar lie; it's one he's still giving Kaneki back home. The difference is that Kaneki doesn't want to believe it. But Meridiana does, and he doesn't really want to think about what might happen if she changes her mind; it'll just trouble him more than he already is right now.

The implications of that are also something he doesn't really want to think about right now; the list of things in that category is getting excruciatingly long.]

Yes, that's right.

I'm sorry for telling you all of that so suddenly, by the way; it's not pleasant to hear. Are you all right?

Some things are unpleasant enough, I-I think, that...there's simply no pleasant way of saying them.

[She's drawn in on herself, there's no mistaking that, but there's something in her posture that gives away the subtle difference between drawing in and drawing away; however pale she might be, and however shaken up, it doesn't seem as though fear is entering the equation — just a delicate constitution, and a lot of heavy subject matter to process all at once.]

...I don't know. Um, if I'm...quite all right. As you said, it's...it's something awful to hear, but...sometimes there's no escaping awful things.

[She falls silent a few moments.]

I...don't think you're a monster, even having done monstrous things. I don't think... —rather, I've known monsters, and I'm sure none of them would have asked for a second chance at all, much less sought to make good on it. It's simply a lot to take in at once, is all.

[It's that last part that gets him to lock up.]

Don't.

[The word leaves him before he can stop it; he shakes his head as though to clear it, letting his eyes slide closed for a moment. It's fine and he knows it, she's not getting at anything, she doesn't know because it's not possible for her to know, but just the same, that's the sort of thing that gets you a moment's relief and a next-day visit from men in suits and white trenchcoats, and if you're lucky Shinohara or Kureo Mado aren't among them and if you're good enough maybe your organs won't end up in a black case.

But there's something else in it that's pressing at him, because he's always been good enough, he's killed every single dove that's come his way and he's taken several of those cases for himself and he hadn't thought anything of using them, either, if the need had arisen; he doesn't fear the doves and so it follows that there must be something else, and it takes him a moment to place it but he thinks it has something to do with the church and that thing he'd brought there, and the way Nishiki had refused to fucking die no matter how many times he'd stabbed him, and he has to wonder if things like this were the reason why. Because there had been nice words and reassurances and statements like I don't want to see anyone hurt you again, and it's...that's repulsive, right? That's the sort of thing required by those who have been broken and ground down by their own weakness, it's not...

He shakes his head again, and he runs his fingers through his hair a bit before he continues.]

I know what you're trying to say, Miss Everett, and I do appreciate it, but it's not quite that simple. Don't misunderstand, you haven't done anything wrong, either, and I'm glad to know that you don't fear me; just...for now, worry about making sure you're going to be all right.

[That gets her to start, of course, and while it doesn't come precisely as a surprise to her that something's gone conversationally wrong, it still leaves her feeling at loose ends because suddenly she doesn't know quite what to think or what to say; her valiant attempt at the latter had been a feeble one at best, and to some extent she's glad he's relieved her of the effort of trying to make the best of the situation, but at the same time she's also left uncertain of what...precisely to do with all of it.

So ultimately, she ends up withdrawing a little more without really realizing it; she curls in and puts her chin down a little so that her hair will fall around her face like there's some security in that, and she still can't figure out the proper thing to say but even if she did, it'd be the wrong thing to be focusing on anyway.

Wildly, fleetingly, she catches her thoughts alighting on The Tower, and she's certain if her cards were still out that's the one her feelings would draw out again and again; there's a sort of vile irony to the imagery of that card in particular but even without holding it in her hand, the thought of it still lends some order and guidance. As selfish as always, her upset was as much because of her own change in situation as because of anything she'd just been told, wasn't it?

Doesn't she have to convince herself of something he's not, so as to hurry and distinguish him from the similarities he might share with the other men she's known before?

But then perhaps, like her cards, she's bringing too much of herself into the situation — although, his concern is for her too, and so maybe she's not, and maybe that's the distinction she's looking for too but as it is she's just shocked and confused all around at the moment.]

...

[And it would help if she could get words out, too.]

...Do you mind, i-if I ask you some things?

[And there's a tremble at the corner of her mouth, but after a little pause she adds something more to the request, almost without thinking — and maybe all the more honest because of it.]

I don't know how to tell if anything you'll say is honest, but...I'd still like to ask.

...I don't mind.

[...]

There are some things I would prefer not to discuss, but if you come across something like that, I'll let you know. Is that fair?

I...I think so.

[Which makes her brow furrow a bit, but only momentarily; then she just seems at a loss for where to begin, and casts around a bit before finding one.]

...Would you lie about something that was going to hurt me? Or deceive me, or...

[...And the person who'd done it to me had only let us all think that to make it worse when that hope was eventually taken away.

Damn it.]

Amore, I'm not going to just let anything hurt you - and if anyone thinks otherwise, they'll be answering to me before they can get to you. I'm certainly not going to hurt you myself, through deception or any other means.

[Oh. Well. It's not precisely accurate to call anything of what she does here "perking right up", but it's unmistakeable that something about that answer was very well-received. If she'd previously been curling in on herself, she's now been drawn a little more out again.]

Why...?

[Actually, that needs a little clarifying, um.]

What...made you decide that?

[...is he missing something here, or]

...I'm fond of you...?

[YOU KNOW, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING YOU...DO...]

It's a bit strong for simple fondness, I should think!

[Holy shit, is that personality.

...That might be personality, apparently it is personality o'clock again, sing hallelujah.]

Isn't that the same sort of thing you said about that kind person of yours? And I can't possibly be such an inspiration, so why...

[are you sure though because it looks like the Bad At Feelings Power Hour from this end]

Strong or not, it's the way things are, so- ...listen, I don't see why an explanation is so important, if it suits you perhaps we can forget that I said anything, I...

[NO REALLY WHY]

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