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...It's something like that. The nature of the decision is why I'm in the first card's position in the first place - Banjou-san isn't in any sort of state to be impartial about it, so I'm handling it for now despite both of us knowing that I'm not any better off.

[She offers him her best attempt at a reassuring smile.]

It seems we're doing all right so far, then. I'll do the next two at once; one will see if we can't pin down the roots of what might've led to the problem, and the other will suggest what might be the next step on the path you're traveling right now. Perhaps not a solution outright, but...what to expect, at least.

[She turns over the card to the left.]

I'm sure this one is merely something you already know, but...mm, with the Queen of Swords in this position — that's a card of objectivity and thought. That is, it wasn't hasty decisions that led you up to this point; rather, you've always had a firm and reasoned perspective on things. I think that's reassuring, really. You've done the best you can, and acted within your beliefs; perhaps it may not seem that way, given the difficulties of the problem, but you've been...consistent and reasoned, in your way. Perhaps this one is intended to shed more light on the next?

[And, mulling on that, she turns the fourth card over.]

...Oh, it's the Fool.

[...]

I wonder. You had him in your reading before, as well, didn't you?

[Something strange seems to hit him, a bit, when she moves to turn over the card to the left; while he knows the cards can't give specifics on the situation, there are quite a few that point to "and by the way you fucked up everything," and whether he believes that to be true or not (he doesn't), he can certainly see where the situation can be read that way, and -

...and what she did get is a little confusing, but you know what, he's willing to roll with it.

...The fourth is also a bit confusing, um.]

Yes, I did - is that an issue?

No, not at all; it's simply something to ponder on, I think. When the same card shows up again and again for the same person, it's often worth dwelling on a little further. Just twice isn't much of anything, though, so let's see.

[She eyes the spread as a whole, absently moving her fingers over the cards from left to right as she considers.]

Well, the Fool is about new beginnings and fresh starts, and also about having faith in yourself when it comes to making choices. So...here in the past, a firm set of beliefs have brought you to this point, sitting in authority as the Emperor with a pressing decision to be made — but now, perhaps, those same beliefs are failing you. You can't simply rely on them to make your decision as you did in the past, though perhaps your intuitions tell you to. Perhaps you can tell that following those beliefs would cause the decision to become unjust in some way. I think the root of your problem is that you want to make it the same way you would've in the past, but because of your present circumstances, you know somehow that might not be the right decision.

[She lightly taps the Fool.]

I think the Fool is here to remind you that sometimes what's needed is...faith. That's not to say you ought to make a hasty decision, not at all! But...I think, it may be that the right decision to make is one for which you can't easily reason out the outcome, and that's frightening. So perhaps these two cards are here to remind you about the need for balance when making this decision. You ought to use them both wisely — the methods of your past, but also the freshness and new opportunities that might be in the future or even surrounding you now.

...I understand, then.

[And he does, even if his understanding pretty much comes out to "but that is going to end really poorly, though" and "Meridiana this is a trainwreck" and just a lot of "but I don't want to"; let's...see the rest, maybe?

God, if anyone had told him he'd be putting so much stock in a bunch of cards back home he'd have thought they were insane.]

The others are...more influencing factors, I think you said?

Mmhmm! Above and below; I suppose you might say these are your conscious and unconscious goals in the situation. So, consciously, it seems your goal is...

[She flips over the upper card, revealing the Eight of Cups, reversed.]

...Er. To...not make the decision at all, it seems. You'd really be happiest to just avoid the entire situation entirely if you could, wouldn't you? You'd sooner see it simply go away than act on it, if you could.

[...OKAY THAT IS JUST FUCKING UNCANNY WHAT THE HELL]

...Well...

[fuck everything oh my god]

...While unconsciously, your feelings are more that...

[Undaunted, she turns over the lower card — the Sun.]

...you merely want a simple resolution to the whole matter, it seems. That's very understandable, I think; for such a complicated decision, it's natural to long for a simple answer, and moreover one that leaves everyone happy in the end. And perhaps to a greater extent, I think it's not a fear of making the decision that's causing you to want to run away from it; rather, it's that you're longing for a situation that's happy, and as you don't see any way of getting it by making the choice.

[She offers him a sympathetic look.]

It would be nice to simply find a way to live contentedly ever after, wouldn't it.

...I've known since the situation arose that there isn't going to be an easy solution for it. A good amount of this is also reliant on the actions of other people, if I make the decision in the way that I suspect I should - I have no control over the outcome once the decision is made, should it go that way, and I don't...tend to care for it very much when situations become unpredictable like that.

[...]

This isn't going to end well no matter what decision is made; I'm entirely aware of that much already. So it doesn't...follow, for me to willingly choose an option where I have no control over any of it. Does that make sense?

It does, very much so. At least if you have some control over things, you might be able to help mitigate some of the...poor outcome.

[She's quiet a minute, just kind of looking down at the array of cards before her, wisps of hair hanging about her face.]

I don't think much of this lent any more clarity to the situation than you had already; you seem to know very well the position you're in, and the...things surrounding it.

[And she casts a glance toward the last four cards, still in a line unturned.]

The next card I turn over might prove most helpful, though. Of all of them, it's the one most meant to provide advice.

...Shall I, or would you rather stop?

...It's lent more clarity than you think it has.

[He settles back a bit at that, though, offering a vague gesture as he does so.]

We should keep going. I'm fine, amore; I'll tell you if I'm not.

I'm very glad to hear it.

[Quietly, she reaches for the card at the bottom of the line and turns it over.]

The Judgement. That's...about as straightforward as a card might be, I suppose. Judgement is, of course, about the making of a decision; it's related to some of the other cards in your spread as well, actually; to Justice, and to the Fool. They're all cards of decisions, of sorts, but also all a bit different in their ways.

But Judgement, as a card, is also about awakening and absolution as well as merely a decision. It suggests that all these other things together really will come together into the choice you'll make. For the advice it gives, I think it's likeliest trying to say that you mustn't focus too heavily on any one of these competing concerns, tempting though it might be to favor one to the exclusion of the rest; rather, look at all of them, and when you do, you'll be able to decide what's truly best.

So: think carefully on the considerations, give them all their due weight...but in the end, judge. I think...I think it means to say, have confidence that your decision will be the right one. I have faith it will be, myself.

You have more faith in me than everyone I know back home, then.

[He sounds amused, however.]

I think I understand what you're saying, however - it's something I'll bear in mind, anyway.

Well, perhaps everyone you know there is wrong.

[And wouldn't you know it, she says it so innocently you might not even realize at first just how cheeky it is.]

Things to be mindful of when taking that advice, then...first is the Seven of Cups. This is a card of wishes and temptations; you mustn't be led astray by wishful thinking or illusions of what might be, no matter how those illusions may try to prey on you while you reason things out. Be sensible and honest with yourself, and realistic about the things you're considering.

[Moving right along, she turns over the penultimate card.]

...Which...I think may prove to be difficult...with the Knight of Cups in this position, speaking of your hopes and your fears —

[And for a moment, then, she just kind of stalls out.]

You did say, when you were distraught recently...it was because someone had hurt you rather badly, wasn't it...?

[Oh, there's a good girl.

That said, he tips his head a bit at the Seven - that's utterly straightforward, isn't it - but his attention is drawn more toward Meridiana than the Knight, there. What on earth...]

They did, yes. Are you all right...?

...I...suppose I'm afraid that person might make trouble for you, is all. The court cards, knights and pages and such, they often represent people; between him and the Seven, I'm...worried. If the Knight were to mean that person, in this place that represents your hopes and fears about making the decision, it may be that your judgment will risk being clouded over by your previous sadness over that person. It may even be that they come back to hurt you again, or keep you from making the right decision somehow; the Knight of Cups is an emotional card, ruled by the heart rather than the head, and that may put you out of balance.

[She narrows her eyes at the card.]

And I'd not like to see anyone hurt you again. Not at all.

[He hesitates for a moment at that, one of his hands settling lightly on his chest, fingertips toying with the fabric of his shirt; that...he can't really explain the reaction he's having to that, just that it sort of stings and he isn't sure what to do to make it knock it off, and his gaze darts a bit before he responds.]

...I'll tell you about it after you're done with the reading, should you not mind hearing it.

[She nods slightly, glancing down at the bedspread and, eventually, drifting to the final unturned card.]

There's only one more to go, and...it's not just that I'd not mind it. I'd like to hear it, if you please, I'd...I'd like to know.

[Following a pause, she slowly reaches for the card, not even realizing that she's holding her breath in the hopes of a good one.

And she turns it over to show the King of Pentacles.]

Oh, thank goodness. I think it's a very good sign, to think that we started off with the Emperor and now have the outcome as the King of Pentacles; he's a card of success and prosperity, you see, and...as I said, the court cards often represent people. I think...the King, here, is meant to be you, having run the full course from where you started — the Emperor burdened by his Justice, and the Judgement resolving to the King of Pentacles.

I think you're going to meet your goal, Mr. Tsukiyama, and make the right decision. And I think things will be all the better for it, in the end.

[...That is actually surprisingly optimistic, given that everything before it was a clusterfuck. Admittedly it seems that that's just going to be a running theme with him, "EVERYTHING IS A MESS oh look that's a lot less of a mess c:" but you know what, he's going to take it.]

Ah, tres bien - it's actually a massive relief to hear that, you have no idea...thank you, by the way. For doing this.

...I'm sorry there isn't more I can do, you know. I know it's none of my business, and it's kind of you to keep it all away from me as best you can. So...I'm glad to have been of some help.

[As she collects her cards and returns them to the pack, she catches herself thinking fleetingly of conversations she'd had weeks back — about those who seek to protect and those who need it, and about the benefits of being complementary rather than identical.

There's something to all that, even if she can't quite land on what it is right away; even so, it's something that leaves her feeling a little more content. Some things one can't do, but one does what can.]

I'm not keeping you from your rest, am I?

Not at all, actually, you can stay as long as you like - ah, and don't apologize. It's another of those situations where you're doing far more for me than you realize.

[He pauses for a moment, though.]

You're certain you don't mind discussing it?

...Yes. I'm certain of that.

[She puts her cards away, then sort of settles herself back into a comfortable seated position on the mattress, now at last relieved of the necessity of being where she could turn and read the tarot spread.]

That...isn't to say I won't end up troubled by it. From what little I do know, I'm sure it's a troubling situation to speak of. But even if I'm upset, that doesn't mean I'm not also glad to have listened — and I think I'll prove more glad of it than I am upset, in the end.

...All right. In that case, I think we ought to start with the fact that I used to be a terrible person.

[There's no hesitation when he says it; if anything, his voice has gone a bit strange, far less flamboyant and more straightforward than the usual. Relaying fact, nothing more.]

I was the sort of terrible that you wouldn't want to associate with, Miss Everett - the sort that harmed people for pleasure. Because I could, because I...wanted to, because I had all sorts of reasons that you would find utterly reprehensible just the same. I'm different now, of course, but the fact is that I've done a lot of unforgivable things to many people.

I think I told you once about the kindest person I've ever met - he's the one who made me reconsider what I was doing, and inspired me to try to be a better person. He's someone I had harmed in the past, despite the fact that he had been nothing but kind to me; I...kept dwelling on that, I suppose, the fact that he'd been so good to me, and eventually I asked him for a second chance. He gave it to me, and I've been very devoted to him ever since. Banjou-san is in a similar position - something he did caused that person unspeakable harm, though it was accidental in his case.

We've been dedicated to protecting him with our lives ever since.

[He pauses for a moment. Plays with the fabric of his shirt a bit again.]

That person was brought here very recently, but he was brought from a point in time where he doesn't remember very much. He remembers when I was still a terrible person who wanted very badly to harm him for no good reason, and he barely remembers Banjou-san at all but he knows that he's from a group of people he has reason to hate. He doesn't trust either of us - as well he shouldn't, with memories like that - and it's been...difficult dealing with that, given that this is someone we've given our lives to.

[...on the one hand, that explanation is so exceedingly sanitized that you could call it a hospital and open it for business and parts of it are flat-out lies; on the other, the lies make up an impressively small portion of it and mostly exist just to cover the fact that he really doesn't want to get into "I nearly ate this person twice, the second time involved also trying to eat two separate and unrelated third parties, and I'm pretty sure we all completely desecrated a church" with his present company, and getting her involved by explaining anything about Aogiri Tree is a terrible idea.]

[She's glad, the longer the explanation goes on, that she'd given the caveat she had about becoming upset, because she does (given the subject matter, of course she does) and more importantly she does in a way that she knows she couldn't have suppressed no matter how hard she'd tried to hide it. She can tell from the way her throat grows tight and her fingers go cold that she's likely turned pale; it's undeniably hard to hear words like I used to harm people for pleasure without thinking of the tall, ash-blond doctor whose hatred she'd tasted in the moments before she'd died.

It makes her remember other things, too — his odd moments of reservation where she might've anticipated empathy, that day in the woods when he'd said so calmly, Sometimes you need to decide that your life is more important than someone else's.

She realizes, a few moments after the fact, that her fingers are pressed to her mouth, either in astonishment or in some emotion she can't place.

But what saves it, perhaps, is that he keeps talking, and gradually the things he's saying grow to sound much more like the Mr. Tsukiyama she knows — the sort of person who might look at his faults and seek to be better, to recognize a need for forgiveness and ask for it.

And, as it turns out, it's very hard to judge someone for confessing to reprehensible things when thoughts of that doctor have also brought back memories of her own, accusations of you self-serving narcissist and don't you have any self-consciousness about the fact that you're a monster escaped from your grave?

That young man named Percy had died right in front of her, and they'd taken the pieces of Emmeline and —

And in a way, horror or not, she almost has to envy him that calm, matter-of-fact tone in admitting to his sins, because she's certain she couldn't have if their roles were reversed.]

I-I see. You...w-want very much to help, and...to live up to your promise. But you can't, when he's forgotten the forgiveness you...remember him giving.

[Sometimes it pays to be an unreliable as hell narrator; now is one of those times. It's fortunate that the incident in the forest is overshadowed a bit by everything else he's shown her since then; more fortunate still that he's good at showing people what they want to see.

It's a familiar lie; it's one he's still giving Kaneki back home. The difference is that Kaneki doesn't want to believe it. But Meridiana does, and he doesn't really want to think about what might happen if she changes her mind; it'll just trouble him more than he already is right now.

The implications of that are also something he doesn't really want to think about right now; the list of things in that category is getting excruciatingly long.]

Yes, that's right.

I'm sorry for telling you all of that so suddenly, by the way; it's not pleasant to hear. Are you all right?

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