preybeforemeals | IC Contact/Voicemail

What do you mean "that isn't how things work"?

[He's not sure if he should be insulted or not...]

Exactly what I said. It just isn't.

Leave it alone, monsieur.

Why won't you tell me?

[As usual, Naki doesn't understand. He's not sure if he should be mad or upset though and as a result he looks sort of like he's going to cry and yell at the same time.]

I...why are you getting so upset? What's expected of me has been obvious from the start - that I'm going to be the one that the rest of you seek out if there's some sort of crisis, because for some godforsaken reason I'm the person everyone looks at when things go wrong or something changes unexpectedly and I'm expected to know what to do about it. And that's fine; I'm used to taking on whatever role is necessary in any given situation, that sort of versatility is what makes me useful - it's what makes people think I'm worth keeping around.

That sort of thing just also means that I can't be compromised by anything, at least not for very long, and it's for the best that I deal with things on my own. Which is also fine, because that's what I've always done.

[And that's about when he breaks eye contact with the camera again.]

You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not complaining because you came to me with this - you did exactly what I asked you to do, and it's what I want you to continue doing if there's some sort of issue because I want to know and as I've said, you're important to me and I want to help you. At the same time, I know what my place is and I know how things work - and besides, the things that have been on my mind lately are things that nothing can be done about, anyway. So don't be worried on my behalf, monsieur, because as far as anyone else should be concerned there's nothing to worry about.

[Naki's quiet for a long time. He wants to say that something did compromise Tsukiyama for a long time back during that weird and sad period, but he bites his tongue. That's the last thing Tsukiyama needs to hear right now.]

...I'm gonna worry about you anyway, you should know that. It'd be fucking dumb if I didn't.

But... you don't have to shoulder all this shit alone, you know? I mean yeah, I'm gonna look to you 'cause I never know what to do with myself. But that doesn't mean that you can't be bothered by shit. If there's anything I can do to help, then I'm gonna wanna help.

...As I've said, there's nothing to be done about it. Some of it deals with things that are going to happen back home - I've been told about something unfortunate that's going to happen soon, that's all.

...Oh. I... sorry. That's gotta fucking suck.

[He has no idea what to say, as usual.]

I'm not gonna press or anything.

...No, I can tell you about this. It doesn't have anything to do with Aogiri or what my master wants us to do.

There's going to be a CCG raid against the ward I live in. I don't...think it's going to end very well for my family.

[That's the only conclusion he can come to; there are only two things in that ward that would have upset him that badly if the CCG had gotten to them and if it'd been Kaneki, then he should have been dead along with him. His family probably would have tried to spare him and gotten him out of the damn ward - not through mercy or because they think he can't handle himself, but simply because it would have been in their best interests to preserve the heir.]

I have no way to know for sure, but from the information that I've received, that's what I think happened.

A raid...? Oh shit.

[Naki's eyes widen.]

Are you gonna be okay? You heard this from someone who's from the future, right? Do they know what happens?

I'm going to be fine, monsieur, they told me that much. They found me after the fact and I was...alive, just very upset, and they said I didn't tell them why or what had happened to make me that way.

...I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

[HANG ON]

I mean the fact that you didn't tell them! Obviously it's good that you lived.

I know what you meant - and that's exactly it, there are very few things in that ward that would have caused that sort of reaction.

Yeah, that's... really worrying. Holy shit. And there's no way for sure to find out...

[What on earth do you do about that?]

...That's why I haven't been saying anything.

[His words are shaky when he speaks; he can feel his speech picking up speed, his words becoming jagged and more rapidly-paced, but he can't seem to bring himself to care.]

There's no way for me to know for sure what happened, and there's nothing to do except either dwell on it or try to ignore it. There's no point in complaining to anyone about it because as insensitive as I can be, I'm fully aware that I shouldn't be complaining about possibly losing my family to people who have already lost theirs.

[He rakes one of his hands back through his hair, the gesture rough and agitated.]

And I...I want to see them again but I know that I can't, and even if I did, they would likely want nothing to do with me as I am now - I can just imagine what my father would say, he'd probably think it's better to be dead than to be as close to human as I am now, god, I would disgust them all so much and that just feeds back in to what we were talking about before and to top it all off that's such a stupid thing to worry about! I mean, they might be dead, right? That should be what I focus on, right?

[He just kind of...stops, then; it's...that was a lot of words, Naki, sorry.]

This is why I don't talk about this, no matter how I handle this it's going to be wrong and there's nothing I can do, I can't...

[He's quiet through all that but by the time Tsukiyama's done, Naki's in tears. It's not violent sobbing, but he's already gathering a collection of tissues by his side.]

Y-Your family... And you don't know what happened... and...

[Another box of tissues is pushed into the frame as Naki reaches out to grab some more.]

I-- I can't help you and I don't know what to say and I'm really shitty at this but... Tsukiyama...

[SNIFFLE]

I'm so sorry! You've been going through so much and I didn't fucking realize and I can't help and-- and--!!

[WHY AREN'T YOU HERE, HE CAN'T HUG YOU so this poor squid will have to do.]

[It's for the best that you can't hug him, probably, that would be so weird...

It takes him a while to calm down, to try to force himself to breathe, and after a moment he laughs a bit, the sound breathless and overwhelmed-sounding and more than a bit hollow, because he doesn't know what else to do.]

...You used my name for once.

[Because it's easier to focus on that than it is anything else.]

It's...all right, I'm going to be fine, it's just a lot to deal with right now but I promise everything's going to work out.

...I like talking to you, you know. It does help.

[Naki rubs at his eyes, but it's going to take awhile for the tears to stop.]

Y-Yeah. "Americano" didn't seem appropriate...

[He sniffles again. And pulls some more tissues out.]

I hope it'll be alright. I-I dunno what I could do to help but... I'd do whatever I can.

[He brightens a bit at Tsukiyama's words though.]

I'm glad! I wanna help, I just don't know how I can. But I can always listen at least!

Just keep doing as you have been, then. We can...well, we can be there for each other, if nothing else.

[He pauses briefly, shaking his head as though trying to clear it.]

...I just miss them, I suppose. But it's like we were saying - I don't really want to see them here, either. So either it's fine to feel that way or we're both wrong, and even if it's the latter, I don't particularly care.

Yeah. I know. I... I'm sorry. It sucks. It sucks so fucking much.

[There goes the first box of tissues...]

It doesn't really matter if we're both wrong. As long as it's both of us, it's fine.

That's what I think, too.

[And that seems to relax him, really; he's still not calm, not by a long shot, but he's less worked up, at least, and smiling comes easily even if he isn't feeling it.]

Are you going to be all right, monsieur?

Yeah. I'll be alright. It's... really helped talking to you. So uh, thanks. And I'm sorry I can't be of any more help.

You have nothing to be sorry for.

[...]

You ought to join me in Olivine, you know. I think you'd like it here.

Ah, really? But that involves routes...

[He looks genuinely torn though. He does want to hang out with Tsukiyama but the lack of cake...]

Does it help persuade you if I tell you the food here is worth it? Apparently no one saw fit to tell me this is the best dining spot in the region before I got here.

Best dining spot in the region...?

[Naki's eyes light up at that. But there is one pressing question--]

What's the dessert like!?

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