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[He's kind of jealous that you managed to get up on top of the lighthouse. At the same time, he's pretty damn sure if he managed that he'd fall off and break his everything, so. It's probably for the best that he's still here.]

Yeah. Everything's fine.

[He falls silent for a moment, staring down at that squid. It's not clear whether he's talking to it or not. Naki finally jerks his eyes back up.]

Is it okay for me to be glad he didn't show up?

[...that might need some explanation, hang on.]

Yamori wasn't here. No one I knew was. I mean not that I'd give a shit about anyone else from Aogiri, but you know. So... is it okay that I'm kind of relieved he wasn't here?

[He's not really sure how to explain it and looks troubled by his own words.]

[He's quiet for a moment at that, his gaze darting away from the camera for a while as he considers; he's still not very good with feelings, but he's had this sort of conversation before - not in this same context, of course, but something similar enough.]

It's okay, yes.

[He hesitates for a moment once that's out there, but the actual words are clear. It's okay.]

Sometimes...it would hurt us to see people that we care about like that. There are many reasons why, but in some cases it's better not to see them, even if it feels like we should want to.

It doesn't mean that he isn't important to you anymore, though. Not at all. All right?

Y-Yeah... but...

[Naki sniffles loudly and moves to wipe his eyes with the back of his sleeve before he catches himself. He lowers his arm slowly, staring down at the ground instead of at the camera.]

...I'm not... I'm not really worried about that as much. It'd be fucking awful to have to deal with the whole "is he dead, is he alive" bullshit that comes with this fucking place but... it's not really that that I'm concerned about?

[He chews on his lip for a moment, still not making eye contact.]

...I'm kinda scared of what he'd say if he showed up here. I'm not... I'm different now. A lot different.

[Another long pause. Naki only mumbles one word and it's barely audible.]

...Better.

[He hears it, though he isn't expecting it; he fidgets a bit, his expression slipping into something decidedly more neutral while he thinks that over, and he's not making eye contact either.]

...You prefer the way it is now, then? Even if you think he wouldn't - it's what you want?

I dunno.

[He rakes a hand back through his hair and the squid on his lap makes a tiny chirping noise. Naki absently pets the Pokémon as he tries to organize his thoughts.]

It's... I mean there's a lot of shit here I don't like. But there's also a lot of stuff I do. It's the same sorta way with the shit that's changed about me. I mean, I'm glad I'm not angry all the time or sad all the time. That's nice. But I'm also a hell of a lot calmer. I mean, I fucking had my kagune and I barely used it. What the fuck would any ghoul back home think of me?

[Naki squeezes the Inkay tighter against him, but the Pokémon doesn't mind.]

It's the same sorta thing with Yamori except he's... I've always tried to be like him, y'know? I've always wanted to impress him. Make him think I'm worth keeping around. Everyone else could fucking die for all I cared but... That's different too.

So I think if he saw me like this he'd... he'd be really annoyed. Well, maybe even not annoyed. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he'd just leave. Wouldn't say anything - just fucking leave. Like... there's no saving me.

[He sniffles again. This time another Inkay appears in the frame with a tissue box. It's one of those large size ones, but judging from the way another box is being pushed into the corner of the frame, the squids are prepared.]

...So I don't really know if I prefer it. But... I do know that it's better. Like... what's the fucking word um... injectively?

[...not quite.]

Objectively. "Objectively" is the word you're looking for.

[The correction is an automatic response, fairly blank; a placeholder while he gets his thoughts together as much as anything else.

Something in what Naki said has caught his attention and not at all in a good way, but he pushes that aside; they can deal with that later.]

I know I told you never to let anyone tell you that you're not worth being good to, and don't let them say you aren't valuable either, but it's...different, when it comes to this. I worry about things like that myself, all the time - what I would do if certain people were to arrive here, how it would be, what I would say to them. What they would probably say to me.

But the fact remains that we're doing what we were designed to do as ghouls - we're adapting to this, we're surviving as best we know how. That hasn't changed.

Just the same, I...understand, being concerned about something like that from someone so important to you; I understand that very well, actually.

[Naki doesn't know what to say to that, but at least he's looking at the camera again.]

...It sucks. It really fucking sucks. And no one would understand it unless they were here for awhile.

[His grip tightens on the squid until it makes a chirping noise to let Naki know he's being squeezed too hard. Naki loosens his grip but doesn't let go.]

I know we're doing what we've gotta do. And I'm okay with that. I mean, if I wasn't then obviously I'd be doing more shit to... I dunno, try to remain the way I was back home or something.

[Like hell if he knows how he'd accomplish that, but that's not the point.]

...It sucks that you're dealing with this too. I was kinda hoping you'd roll your eyes, say something in another language, and brush all my concerns away like they don't matter, but... I dunno. Maybe it's kinda good to have someone get it. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer ignoring it, but I don't think I can do that anymore.

...It crosses my mind fairly often, it just isn't something I talk about. It's pointlessly negative, for one thing; for another it's just not something anyone would want to hear from me.

It's...good to know that you would trust me with something like that, though; I appreciate it, monsieur.

["It's just not something anyone would want to hear from me"...?]

Well, yeah, of course I would. You wanted me to come to you if shit went down, right?

[.............]

But uh... you know that goes for you too, right? I'm definitely not the most helpful guy around and I dunno what I can do other than listen and maybe cry at you, but if you need someone to talk to about this shit - or any shit - I'll be here.

[Well, is he wrong?]

Ah...I appreciate the offer and it's not as though I doubt you any, but that isn't how things work; I'll be all right, though, honestly.

What do you mean "that isn't how things work"?

[He's not sure if he should be insulted or not...]

Exactly what I said. It just isn't.

Leave it alone, monsieur.

Why won't you tell me?

[As usual, Naki doesn't understand. He's not sure if he should be mad or upset though and as a result he looks sort of like he's going to cry and yell at the same time.]

I...why are you getting so upset? What's expected of me has been obvious from the start - that I'm going to be the one that the rest of you seek out if there's some sort of crisis, because for some godforsaken reason I'm the person everyone looks at when things go wrong or something changes unexpectedly and I'm expected to know what to do about it. And that's fine; I'm used to taking on whatever role is necessary in any given situation, that sort of versatility is what makes me useful - it's what makes people think I'm worth keeping around.

That sort of thing just also means that I can't be compromised by anything, at least not for very long, and it's for the best that I deal with things on my own. Which is also fine, because that's what I've always done.

[And that's about when he breaks eye contact with the camera again.]

You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not complaining because you came to me with this - you did exactly what I asked you to do, and it's what I want you to continue doing if there's some sort of issue because I want to know and as I've said, you're important to me and I want to help you. At the same time, I know what my place is and I know how things work - and besides, the things that have been on my mind lately are things that nothing can be done about, anyway. So don't be worried on my behalf, monsieur, because as far as anyone else should be concerned there's nothing to worry about.

[Naki's quiet for a long time. He wants to say that something did compromise Tsukiyama for a long time back during that weird and sad period, but he bites his tongue. That's the last thing Tsukiyama needs to hear right now.]

...I'm gonna worry about you anyway, you should know that. It'd be fucking dumb if I didn't.

But... you don't have to shoulder all this shit alone, you know? I mean yeah, I'm gonna look to you 'cause I never know what to do with myself. But that doesn't mean that you can't be bothered by shit. If there's anything I can do to help, then I'm gonna wanna help.

...As I've said, there's nothing to be done about it. Some of it deals with things that are going to happen back home - I've been told about something unfortunate that's going to happen soon, that's all.

...Oh. I... sorry. That's gotta fucking suck.

[He has no idea what to say, as usual.]

I'm not gonna press or anything.

...No, I can tell you about this. It doesn't have anything to do with Aogiri or what my master wants us to do.

There's going to be a CCG raid against the ward I live in. I don't...think it's going to end very well for my family.

[That's the only conclusion he can come to; there are only two things in that ward that would have upset him that badly if the CCG had gotten to them and if it'd been Kaneki, then he should have been dead along with him. His family probably would have tried to spare him and gotten him out of the damn ward - not through mercy or because they think he can't handle himself, but simply because it would have been in their best interests to preserve the heir.]

I have no way to know for sure, but from the information that I've received, that's what I think happened.

A raid...? Oh shit.

[Naki's eyes widen.]

Are you gonna be okay? You heard this from someone who's from the future, right? Do they know what happens?

I'm going to be fine, monsieur, they told me that much. They found me after the fact and I was...alive, just very upset, and they said I didn't tell them why or what had happened to make me that way.

...I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

[HANG ON]

I mean the fact that you didn't tell them! Obviously it's good that you lived.

I know what you meant - and that's exactly it, there are very few things in that ward that would have caused that sort of reaction.

Yeah, that's... really worrying. Holy shit. And there's no way for sure to find out...

[What on earth do you do about that?]

...That's why I haven't been saying anything.

[His words are shaky when he speaks; he can feel his speech picking up speed, his words becoming jagged and more rapidly-paced, but he can't seem to bring himself to care.]

There's no way for me to know for sure what happened, and there's nothing to do except either dwell on it or try to ignore it. There's no point in complaining to anyone about it because as insensitive as I can be, I'm fully aware that I shouldn't be complaining about possibly losing my family to people who have already lost theirs.

[He rakes one of his hands back through his hair, the gesture rough and agitated.]

And I...I want to see them again but I know that I can't, and even if I did, they would likely want nothing to do with me as I am now - I can just imagine what my father would say, he'd probably think it's better to be dead than to be as close to human as I am now, god, I would disgust them all so much and that just feeds back in to what we were talking about before and to top it all off that's such a stupid thing to worry about! I mean, they might be dead, right? That should be what I focus on, right?

[He just kind of...stops, then; it's...that was a lot of words, Naki, sorry.]

This is why I don't talk about this, no matter how I handle this it's going to be wrong and there's nothing I can do, I can't...

[He's quiet through all that but by the time Tsukiyama's done, Naki's in tears. It's not violent sobbing, but he's already gathering a collection of tissues by his side.]

Y-Your family... And you don't know what happened... and...

[Another box of tissues is pushed into the frame as Naki reaches out to grab some more.]

I-- I can't help you and I don't know what to say and I'm really shitty at this but... Tsukiyama...

[SNIFFLE]

I'm so sorry! You've been going through so much and I didn't fucking realize and I can't help and-- and--!!

[WHY AREN'T YOU HERE, HE CAN'T HUG YOU so this poor squid will have to do.]

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